Splintered · Soul

This journal is from a chapter in my life that I really don't like anymore. I'm not going to delete it yet, because I might decide to go back and use it. For now though, I'm just going to create a new one. Any of my friends that are reading this, let me know if you want to be added to my new friends list (I will probably actually go back and friend most of you all over again) once I have my new journal up. I'll leave the name of the new journal in the comments section for this entry. Sorry if this is somewhat confusing but I feel that it's necessary. Going back and reading everything that's happened was making me sick.

Recent events have caused me to want to avoid everything from my old life. But I am trying not to do that anymore. Those of you who know what I'm talking about and know me in real life...don't address it and we should all be fine.

That said, I am putting so much focus into becoming Batman. I am eating, sleeping, and breathing Batman. If you didn't know...well, he's pretty depressing. But I like him. It's necessary anyway, so I can work well with Amadeus. :) (I am working on an RP fic with a friend. We're doing lots of research on it and it promises to be very good)

I cannot find any information on Domino from X-Men or Huntress from Batman. This is ticking me off...

Yes, because people are always suffering when you think they aren't.

I keep on praying that God will keep me from this.
He helps me when I ask Him. And yet...I find myself drifting back time and time again. Like--there's someone else's voice urging me, calling my attention to a horror so great as to be nameless. My despair...blackened and drawing me in. I close my eyes but I can't escape it. When I look, it's there again. It's always there.
I know there has to be a reason. I know that patience and faith bring about what would seem like miracles. I know I'm helpless and I say, "I surrender." So why do I still find myself on that battlefield? Why do I go back to it like a fly to blood, like a dog to its vomit?
I am weary in my soul.
I am weary in my heart.
I am weary in body.
My mind...it never sleeps.
Tastes and sounds and memories...they all drift over me with equal weight. But only one has the power to settle inside of my chest and consume all of me.
I know now that I'm hunted.
I just don't know why.

I can feel myself getting closer. Everything I do until then is like rehearsal.

I thought of him today.

They're at the commissary buying groceries. Brothers are sleeping. I am here...where I've been for so long.

I can't find my old Bible. This angers me. I want to read it. I want to read Job again, and Hosea. I want to read the Parables. Where is my Bible?

It seems like eyes are watching me wherever I look. Why so many eyes? With keen intelligence shining through, as though they understood and could judge by where I stand, by how I kneel. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has a voice. And I am lost in the echo, and the wave of meaning washes over me like something already gone.

Heaven is not so far away. I understand that now. Every breath of air, every kiss of sunlight. The pain darkens my doorway, but it will not keep me for long. There's a whole new world drawing near.

My sins are nailed to the Cross. They want to raise their heads and stare. They want me to give in. But the spoon is brimming with a taste of what is to come. Why won't the panic leave me? Why does it follow me everywhere? Why am I stretched thin wondering, "How long? How long?"

Just thought I'd say hello to the world. Not that I like it or anything. Ha ha hahahaha.

I have to leave for class in less than an hour. Once there, I will be taking a test that I am not prepared for. Once I leave class, I will probably come home and pick up my computer again, and reflect on whether or not I feel any better. The answer will be no, and I will attempt to drown myself in distractions. Once I realize that's not working, I will stop trying and I will give in to sleep which is all I really want. Sleep...forever and ever. Has anyone else ever noticed how sleep is generally painless?

Advil is yummy. Among other things. I don't know why I ever had trouble swallowing pills; I'm quite good at it now. They've got me on Salexia...however you spell that. Why do I need Salexia? Really, you'd think that I was suffering or something silly like that.

I love to read my email these days. Email is so much fun. Especially when people want to talk about things that aren't real. I'm a big fan of things that aren't real.

I feel kind of funny. Like...buzzing or something. And out of it. I'm looking forward to doing all kinds of things that I shouldn't. Oh man, I'm sleepy.

I made macaroni and cheese yesterday, but I don't know why. I don't know why I wanted to eat. Eating is so wrong. It keeps me from getting thinner. It keeps my brain working. My brain is against me.

I wish I could write, but my anxiety has gotten so bad. It feels like I've got people standing over my shoulder watching me write. And I've got a couple of ghosts watching everything I do. It's uncomfortable. It scares me.

Sleep is okay. It's waking up that's awful. It's knowing that another day just started that makes you feel helpless and toyed with. I wish...I wish I didn't notice things like that.

So...I haven't posted in a long time. Here's what I've been up to: Dying. Not literally, not physically, but inside--emotionally, psychologically, I am dying.
I know I'm going to get through this. God is holding my hand all the way. Thing is...I don't exactly want to get through this. The most horrible thing that I could have imagined happening has happened...The man who promised me that he'd love me forever, that he was going to marry me, that he wouldn't let me go no matter what...that man has decided that we "just don't work," and he decided this all on his own without telling me about the problems that he thought were threatening the relationship.
He does this after I get back from my yearly Memorial Day weekend visit to my relatives' cemetery. He calls me up and asks me if I want him to pick me up. Ecstatic that he wants to see me on his extra day off after he'd already said he had plans, I accept. He picks me up. Humors me with idle small talk at first. And then, he throws me the biggest right-hook that I never saw coming. And my soul explodes.
"I'm not happy in this relationship..." That's how the end of the world starts.
I know I'm overdramatic. I know I tend to be jealous and clingy. Those are things I was working on. I was also going to try and get counseling and medication for my social anxiety and my depression so that we could hang out with friends together, go to clubs and parties and all the stuff that he needed to do. I never had much of a sense of humor, but hanging out with him, a comedian, I was starting to learn what things are funny and why. I was becoming more interested in the things he was interested in, and was starting to grow into someone I thought was more well-rounded, more likeable, more fun-loving and overall happy. In the middle of that process, he tells me I'm not good enough.
Then he says he still loves me.
What kind of sense does this make???
We may have our differences...we may be technically "incompatible"...but there is not a single person alive in this world who is absolutely compatible with someone else. Just like you have to work on a relationship with your mother, your sister, and your best friend, you have to work on a relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend. He thinks the exact opposite...that all the work in the world couldn't save us, just because our personalities and needs are too different. I say that's taking the easy way out; it's breaking your word, and it's saying that things like commitment don't mean shit to you, and that I'm not worth fighting for, and what we shared isn't worth holding onto. It's saying that the bad outweighs the good, that it has no hope of getting better, and that I can die a slow, miserable death without the man that I gave my heart and soul and so fricking much to, because he doesn't feel like being open and honest and investing everything he has.
I am hurt. I am angry. I am bitter. I know that I'm not the first person to recieve this slap in the face. That the world will not stop turning because of this. That other people have felt this pain and have recovered admirably. That I shouldn't have this fatalistic attitude. Problem is...I fucking believe in the concept of forever. And this shatters more than a world for me. I never say "marriage" without meaning it. I never say "commitment" without fucking meaning it. And to wake up and realize that you were lied to from the get-go because they just "thought" that they meant it...DAMN. What a ridiculously fucked-up, undeserved rude awakening that is.
He told me for six years that I was everything to him. And in one day, he decides that he just wants to be friends.
People have killed over less than this. And they've killed themselves over fucking nothing. Why the hell am I supposed to walk on like I wasn't just dealt a death blow?
I'm praying every day. That's the only reason I'm alive and trying. God has a plan for me, and apparently that plan involves not being with Ryan, at least right now. That's fine, I'll trust Him to know what's best for me. Trouble is, I'm having difficulty not calling Ryan up yet again and screaming, "What about your plan to love me forever?! Did you forget about that one?!" All of his reasons are just bullshit. God did not institute the holy sanctity of marriage so that people could be together for a while, hug and kiss and praise and fuck for a while, only to turn around when it gets rough and say, "Hey, by the way, we're incompatible. It's too much work. I'm not happy. Guess we should call this off." That is what our society teaches, and I'll be damned if I'll accept it.
Well, obviously I'm venting. I could go on and on. And I will, later. For several years to come. Because one thing Ryan did not realize: I am a one-person woman. I have one mother that I love. One father. One cat. One best friend. One God. And damnit, I have one fucking man that I will devote myself to. ONE. I believe, unlike billions of other people, that promises mean something.
He can walk away from me. He can decide that I'm not what he wants. I'm not going to try and get him back...not intentionally. I have too much self-respect to beg, although I may have done some of that without meaning to. I have too much sense, and experience, to know when I'm not wanted. That doesn't mean that I've forgotten. It doesn't mean that I will ever forget what he promised me.
I love him.
Why is that so hard to accept?
So...people who read this, I'm not crazy. I'm not a stalker, I'm not murderous. But I am cast aside, beaten down, scorned and forgotten by someone who promised eternity. And somehow that has shifted all the boundaries of the world that I know, and I am forced to wonder if black is not white and the streets we walk are not floating in the sky. If forever is nothing, then I am nothing. You are nothing. The reality we know does not exist.
Love...heh. At least I know God actually meant "eternal" life when he sent Jesus to hang on a cross for us. Otherwise, I might only be looking forward to one nice day in Heaven and then spending the rest of my afterlife burning in the Hell that we all deserve. "Eternal"...it's nice when people mean it.
*sigh*...since you're probably wanting to hear some good news too, here it is: I'm not dead yet. I probably won't die anytime soon. I'm in school again, trying to concentrate on my work throughout the agony that this unexpected fucking bomb dropped on me has brought. I'm writing avidly to escape his ghost which follows me everyfuckingwhere, and I'm offering my services as a beta-reader for other writers. I'm trying not to lose my mind, and since no one has strapped into a a straitjacket yet I think I'm succeeding, and I'm seriously considering hospitalization because somehow eating, sleeping, and brushing my fucking teeth is too much to consider without screaming so loud that my cries echo off the walls and I forget why I even bother.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Just another day in the life of someone who doesn't want it.

____ Customer Service, thank you for holding. How may I help you? Ha ha ha, I love it. In between calls, I get to read, write and do pretty much whatever I want. During calls...I get all kinds--grumpy customers that I can laugh at later, nice customers that tell really interesting stories, quick and easy customers that just want to put in their orders and then hang up...I just have to know how to navigate the various computer programs and fill out forms. Well, I make it sound easier than it is. But I'm quite content. And as I'm earning money and paying back my debt to my college, I'm also gaining a lot of life experience and writing material.
I saw Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween last Friday, and I must caution all fans of the original: Don't go! It was horrible. Truly horrible. To be fair, Rob was obviously trying to make the movie smart and deep, b/c he threw in a bunch of psychological stuff and made things super-dramatic. But honestly, his efforts just crashed miserably. The supposedly intelligent psycho-analyzation of Michael that he was doing fell so short, because he ended up changing Michael's entire background story to do it--for one thing, Michael's mom was not a hooker! So that couldn't possibly have contributed to his psychotic break. For another, Rob made Michael four years older than he actually was when he killed Judith. Oh, yeah...and he changed everything else about the story, too! Besides that, there was really wooden dialogue and rotten acting from almost everyone. Every single victim ended up reacting to their deaths in the exact same way...you'd be amazed how sick you can get of watching people crawl away from their murderer. Even sexual sadists couldn't have gotten too many kicks out of that.
I could go on and on listing all the reasons why Michael Myers's butchering of innocents in this remake of Halloween just ended up butchering everything his fans know and love about him, but in the end I just have to say: John and Debra, what were you thinking?
Thank God I didn't actually *expect* it to be good...

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Movie:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they :
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school:
22. Describe your accent -
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you? (assuming I am not asleep in a corner somewhere)

The questions it asked were actually quite clever. I was surprised!

Those of you who have finished the last HP book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (book 7), read this article (if you haven't, you might want to avoid reading this entire entry!):

http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20070725/cm_csm/ysawyer_1



I have to say, everything said about Snape there is true. He was the real moral example of that story, and also the hero in many ways. And yet Rowling seems confused by how much her readers love him. I saw in that interview she gave on t.v. that she told one little girl, "If Snape hadn't loved Lily he certainly would not have cared what happened to Harry." And I have to wonder, is that a realistic conclusion to come to if you take into consideration everything that Snape has sacrificed for the greater good? I just can't believe that he didn't grow along the way on his journey, both outward and inward. I can't believe that the subtle and yet crucial character that she painted, and that millions of people have fallen in love with, was a bad guy to the very end with one redeeming quality that just happened to be enough to make him do everything that he did.
That idea is just bogus, and it makes me think that sometimes as authors we can become so wrapped up in telling the story the way that we want to tell it, and with putting our characters in "shackles", chaining them to the personality traits and lack of that we believe them to have, that we completely forget--or choose to ignore--the fact that a story can grow, evolve, take on a life and meaning entirely its own. I think it's our responsibility as writers to allow for change, to allow for things that are unexpected to us. It gives the reader a more fulfilling experience if we loosen our grip on the reins a little bit, and I think that ultimately it gives us (the writers) a more fulfilling experience as well.
Why is that so hard? Why are we so desperate to cling to the belief that WE are entirely responsible for mapping out every part of a character? Why must we use them as tools, instead of treating them as people? Characters want to be free. They want to be their own people, and take the story in different directions than we sometimes predict. You can preach the opposite all you want, but if you really don't believe me and want to totally dispel my theory, take a look at the seventh HP book and then read that article and give it serious thought.
Which character was it that showed the most growth? Which character was recognized least for his contribution to the story, even by the author?
For the author herself, I have one question: J.K. Rowling, have you underestimated your own character? And if that is even a possibility you're willing to consider, maybe you should be asking yourself why it is that you felt Snape had to have the Bad Guy label stamped on him, even unto his dying breath.
On a sidenote, I am very sad because I want to be at my friend's birthday party right now. Unfortunately, I don't trust myself not to get lost trying to find the place. So I don't get to hang out with the rest of the gang, most of them whom I haven't seen for ages, and this is quite distressing to me. I'll get to see the birthday girl tomorrow but it's not the same...
Last thought for the evening--I think... I saw the movie I Know Who Killed Me starring Lindsay Lohan. And I have to say, it was weird, disturbing and not at all what I expected. Whether it was good or bad, I cannot really say. I just walked out of the movie theater feeling really confused, and thinking that they went way overboard with the sex scenes and the torture scenes. Quite disturbing...
And that's coming from a horror-movie buff! Not that I haven't seen films with more explicit content than that, I just feel that it wasn't very tactful in this particular movie. It seemed like they were trying to shock you and I really didn't like that. It detracted from what might have otherwise been a very interesting story.
Anyhow, if you like over-the-top horror films with a twist, that might be a good movie for you to see. And the part of me that's not so nice urges you to see it anyways. Ha ha ha... ^_~

I am currently working on updating the Fruits Basket character blogs. If anybody would ever like to contribute to the writing of these stories by interacting with the characters, they can do so by visiting the blogs and posting there, or if you don't have an account with blogspot you can email the characters. Here are their individual emails:

For Yuki: the.anti.prince@gmail.com

Shigure: smutfiction@gmail.com

Ayame: Ayamelove@gmail.com

Hatori: Dr.Souma@gmail.com

Kyou: karatemaster001@gmail.com

Tohru: Love.Hope.Light@gmail.com

And, of course, Akito: Akito.Souma@gmail.com


Anyone who's interested in contributing by creating blogs for the remaining characters of Fruits Basket may do so, as long as they follow along with the story I've set for the other characters, and stick to the anime version of things.

The remaining characters are:

Hatsuharu

Rin

Kureno

Ritsu

Kagura

Hiro

Kisa

Momiji

Kazuma

Saki Hanajima

Arisa Uotani

Mine Kuramai

Mitoko Minegawa


And any other minor characters you might want to blog for. A lot of the characters listed above don't have much interaction with the main characters, aren't members of the Souma family, or wouldn't be the types of people to keep blogs. As long as its written well though, I think it could be fun for the characters I'm blogging for to have more interaction with the outside world.
If anyone does decide to do the extra blogs, please make sure you have seen the entire anime series AND at least have some concept of who all of these characters are. We will also need each of the characters to have their own email addresses so that people can get in touch with them outside of the blog site. If nobody wants to do blogs for the other characters, could they please at least tell me which characters they might like to see blogs done for? I'm not promising anything, I am however interested in expanding the story a little bit more.
Thanks for reading, everybody. Those of you who have not yet read any of the blogs yet, I will post the entire list of them again soon (probably under the links section of the journal this time) so that you can have more convenient access to them--until then, they can be found a couple of pages back on my journal. They are pretty awesome if I do say so myself, so you should check them out! ^_^

Some of my reasons for hating certain characters on the list apparently weren't explained too well. Anybody who has questions about it can read further explanations under the comments for that posting, and I am always happy to explain my reasoning further.
It was a pretty fun list to compile, actually. I am thinking about starting my own meme. Those are lots of fun too.
I watched this movie a couple of hours ago called Dead Silence. It was pretty creepy, for anybody who likes that stuff. I sure do. ^_^
Here's a little something from the movie to whet your appetite for it:

Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
And if you see her in your dreams,
Make sure you never...ever. Scream.

There's another line to that poem that they recite only once. I can't remember it right now. But oooh, just saying it out loud when I actually know the face and story that goes with it gives me goosebumps. Go watch that movie! Rawr.
Okay, I love you all. You're all so cool! Bye bye. :)

I have not hated many fictional characters in my time. In fact, I often love the ones that everyone else hates, and those that I don't love I can usually sympathize with. So...I thought it would be worthy of my time to compile a list of those characters that have actually been despicable enough (in my opinion) to make even me, the champion of hated fictional characters, hate them. Was that grammatically correct...?

1) Relena Peacecraft.





She's #1 on the list for a reason. I hate that female so much, it's amazing. I've actually searched for Relena hate-sites so that I could join, and then come to my senses. Feeding hatred like that can't be good, even if it is only toward a fictional person. But damn...she's fucking annoying! Anybody who has ever Seen Gundam Wing and listened to one of her stupid schpills about galactic peace and watched her drool over Hiro--a character that is gay, and has zero interest in her! Not that she would take the hint...--would know why I despise her oh-so-much.
Moving on.





2) Rachel Dawes.





HATE her. HATE her! That self-righteous little snot (from the movie Batman Begins, in case there's actually somebody out there who hasn't seen it ^_^ )really makes my blood boil. I actually remembered her much later, but had to move her up to this spot, 'cause my hatred for her is just that intense. I hope Crane gets her in the next movie--fries her freaking brain. Crane, or the Joker, or some random, creepy insect walking down a dark alley...doesn't really matter who does the killing, as long as she *dies*!





3) Rin Souma.






Simply put, I hate her. My reasoning is not hard to figure out: She's a complete bitch to everyone, even the people that she supposedly loves. She has little or no redeeming qualities. She's possibly the most selfish character I've ever known. And she fucks with Akito--that alone is enough to condemn her in my mind.



4) Jessica Priest.







Another bitchy character. She taunts people as they die. She's absolutely self-centered and evil, and has no respect for her fellow humans. She participates in a deal with Satan himself to infect the entire world (or at least threaten to) with a deadly virus, putting her boss in a position of absolute power. Sneers all the time, so that you just want to drop-kick her in the face. Die, Priest, diiieee...




5) Antera.






I know practically nothing about this girl except that she's from the anime Samurai Deeper Kyo, and she's the most irritating character ever devised by the cruel minds of wanna-be-anime creators. I can't explain why she's so stupid. I just hate her.



6) Jar Jar Binks.







I love to play the game where you get to shoot the hell out of him. But he always comes back! "Yousa missed me!" Grrr... Evil Jar Jar. He never should have been born...




7) Frieza.





Just had to include this guy. After all...anybody who watches Dragonball Z and has half a brain can figure out what he did to Vegeta. So, yeah...I pretty much wish death upon him.


So...the list is by no means complete, I will be updating it in the future. But it was fun, for now.
Other stuff to mention, is that I'm going on vacation this Saturday. I'll be gone for a week. My family and I will be visiting my grandpa, as well as going to a theme park and possibly the zoo. Except for Dad. Poor Dad, he has to stay home and study for a test that will determine whether or not he gets a big promotion. It won't be the same without him, but it's not like we're not all used to it.
*sigh* I have too much writing to do. I wish I could snap my fingers and have instant motivation and inspiration for all the fics I've started. But yeah, I bitch about that all the time, I'm sure you're all sick of hearing it. I can't help it! I'm obsessed!
Going to bed soon...very tired. I don't want to sleep, though. Sleep is so time-consuming. I wish I just had a charger I could plug myself into. Like an android. Heh. :)
For those of you who haven't taken my quizzes and polls, do it. Go to quizilla.com and search under my username, Akito.Souma . I have awesome stuff there for everybody to amuse themselves with. And you can help my ratings go up!
Kay, I think I'm done for now. I'm pretty sure...